


Of Bags and Cats

by fangirlSevera



Series: The Black Sheep and Other Family Animals [5]
Category: The Avengers (2012), The New Adventures of Old Christine
Genre: Crossover, Humor, M/M, double life reveal, medical drugging
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2017-12-18 03:43:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/875220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlSevera/pseuds/fangirlSevera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After surviving the events of The Avengers, Agent Coulson is recovering in a civilian hospital in order for family to be able to visit. Unfortunately, a certain playboy millionaire philanthropist has decided he's family, too. And suddenly the careful divide Phil has created between his two worlds comes crashing down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Bags and Cats

**Author's Note:**

> I forever apologize for how long it takes me to get one of these done. I can be a slow, lazy writer. This isn't beta-ed because I wanted this up in time for Coulson's birthday. I apologize (again) for any mistakes. Will clean it up later once I can get in touch with my usual beta.

As soon as he was cleared by SHIELD medical of being free of alien influence and contaminants, Kay bullied Fury into putting Phil in a civilian hospital. It was the only way to allow family to visit him. And by family, that meant Richard.

Old Christine wasn't going to allow Ritchie to visit for the same reason New Christine didn't want Richard even coming at all. They were both convinced that if an alien attack happened once in New York, it was likely to happen again. Didn't matter if they were actually right, but it was Kay's and Fury's jobs to net let the women (and everyone else in the country) to know that kind of truth.

Seeing his brother with so many wires and monitors attached, and chest wrapped in bandages, Richard swallowed thickly, but tried covering his worry with a couple bad jokes and started poking around the room. "You must have some kick-ass insurance. My honeymoon suite wasn't this nice."

Phil smiled tiredly at his brother's fidgeting. "Maybe that says more about how cheap you are and less about my health insurance." He knew his voice was still a bit rough from disuse, and slow from the drugs and fatigue of recovery. 

Richard clearly heard the weakness, too, wincing in sympathy as he dropped heavily into the bedside chair. "Damn, Phil. You spend years in the army and left it fine. Become an accountant and you almost die in an alien invasion! Something's wrong about that."

Not even that first part was entirely, true. Phil carried enough scars from his pre-SHIELD days that told of life-threatening wounds. Those missions – missions gone terribly wrong – were classified, and his family was none the wiser. Since he survived, nothing officially happened. The difference this time was that he had died, at least for a little while. 

Richard blew out a nervous breath, slumping further in his chair. "Sooo.... Captain America's alive. That's got to be giving you a raging nerd-on."

Phil sighed a little too deep for his still-aching chest. "Don't start."

"Gonna give up Clint and pursue the dream?"

"My... Idolization of Captain America was purely as a role model, not sexual."

Richard snorted. "Right. Don't know how I hadn't figured you're gay sooner. When I was taping up half-naked girls bending over cars, you had posters of a chiseled, beefy, blond guy."

"I would have thought my joining the army directly after high school was influenced by it."

"Yeah, where you could meet hot, beefy blond guys. And hey, look what you're dating now!"

Phil was going to remind him that strict anti-gay military policies made it the least ideal place to pursue his brand of attraction, but a commotion in the hall drew both his and Richard's attentions.

"Sir!" A nurse was saying. "It's family only!"

"I totally count as family! Practically the closest thing he has!" Replied a voice that made the beeping of Phil's heart monitor increase. Phil was feeling something he hadn't felt in a long time, not even as he had sat bleeding on the helicarrier deck and the darkness closing in.

It was panic.

The voices were coming closer. Richard was frowning and stood. For a mad moment, Phil thought of telling him to quickly hide under the bed or in the closet.

But it was already too late.

The door burst open. Tony Stark's grand entrance came to sudden halt. He whipped off his sunglasses. "Pepper, how much did I have to drink today? Because I'm seeing double."

A ridiculous basket of red and yellow flowers lowered, unblocking Pepper Pott's view of the room. She gaped. "You're not drunk, Tony. At least not _that_ drunk."

Richard was staring right back at the two impromptu guests. "Aren't- Aren't y-you..."

Heavy boots and a string of curses echoed up the hallway. "Shit, shit. Fuck," Clint was saying as he pushed passed Stark and Pepper, skidding to a halt at Phil's bedside. "I am so sorry! I was at this vending machine that wouldn't take my dollar, and your dad called, and I was going to meet him downstairs, then I heard _Stark_ and I couldn't-"

Phil wanted to reassure him it wasn't his fault, but Stark burst out with "Why is Barton allowed to be here, and _why_ are there two Coulsons?"

Richard, finally getting over being starstruck, furrowed his brow. "What's a Coulson?"

" _That's_ a Coulson." Tony jabbed his finger at Phil. "What are you?"

He paused a moment, as if considering. "I'm Richard."

"Okay!" Pepper said, taking her burden of flowers over to the bedside table. "Let's try the introductions again. Properly."

She turned to the bed first with a small, watery smile. "I'm glad you're okay." She leaned over and kissed Phil's forehead.

"Me, too," he replied. Although he wasn't feeling at all okay at the moment. The careful balance of his life was crumbling around him, and there was nothing he could do about it. 

Pepper straightened and turned to Clint, extending her hand. "Barton, was it?"

"Uh, yes ma'am."

"It's nice to finally meet you." She grinned as she shook his hand.

"Finally?" Clint mouthed at Phil. Phil shrugged his good shoulder. It wasn't just his family that had to convince he didn't need interference in his love life.

Pepper had made her way around the bed. "Hi." Her grin widened at Richard who hunched and took a step back like a stalked animal. "I'm Pepper, Phil's friend. That's Tony Stark, but I presume you already knew that. And you are..."

"Richard Campbell. Phil's brother."

"Brother!" Pepper's grin sharpened and her brows rose. "Phil never mentioned having a twin brother." She flicked an accusatory eye in Phil's direction. Satisfied, she went back to Stark's side.

"Yeah, no, not buying it. If they're brothers, why doesn't he have the same last name as Agent?"

"Agent?" Richard repeated.

For a terrible, insincere moment, Phil wished he had died on the helicarrier.

Clint was frowning down at him, sensing his distress. He gave Phil's hand a squeeze. "Hey, Stark. It is family only, so why don't you-"

"See! About that, too. How's it no one's making a fuss about Errol being here, then? And why isn't he weirded-out by the Doublemint agents?"

"Tony," Pepper said, putting a hand on Stark's arm. "I think it's time to go. Phil does need his rest and not deal with... You."

"No! I have questions, I'm not leaving without answers!"

"I have questions, too," Richard said, but with less confidence.

Phil knew he was going to sound like a child. Had he not been on drugs and still in pain, the thought would have stayed firmly in the back of his mind, unacknowledged, like so many of his more petulant moments of weakness. "I want my dad."

Clint, the only one close enough to hear the plaintive plea, squeezed his hand again and took out his cell phone.

But unlike so many furtive prayers for deliverance, his dad _did_ arrive, Fury at his heels. Stark didn't jump, but he did immediately take a large side-step out of Fury's reach, afraid the director of SHIELD was going to pull him away before he could get his desired answers.

"Oh, no! You're not putting a lid on this, Nick. Several cats are out of the bag here. They're really weird cats, like deformed or something, so I'm not quite sure what kind of cats they are. But they are definitely _out_. And given the way Barton's been touchy with Agent I clearly mean that in more than one way."

Kay, ignoring everyone else in the room went to Richard who was looking as panicked and overwhelmed as Phil was feeling. Kay put a hand his shoulder. "Son, why don't we go somewhere less crowded and talk."

"What, who's this now?" Stark gestured dramatically at Kay.

"No one, Mr. Stark. I was never here." Kay told the billionaire as he led Richard from the room by the elbow.

"Friend of yours, Nick?" 

Fury just raised an eyebrow.

"Come on, Tony, we should go. Let Phil rest. I think I can explain a couple things to you." Pepper tugged at Stark a couple times before breaking him away from the glaring contest he was having with Fury.

A nurse nervously peeked into the room, clearly relieved to see it significantly less full. Squaring her shoulders, she walked in. "The lady's right, Mr. Campbell does need his rest." 

"That he does," Fury agreed. "And I need to catch up with your dad and brother." Even without the coat, he managed to sweep out of the room.

The nurse lifted her chin at Clint significantly. "You going to be okay?" Clint asked.

Phil nodded, tiredly. "Go. Make sure Richard's going to be okay."

"Make sure your dad doesn't flashy-thing him or something?"

Phil knew his dad had few regrets in life. One of them, though, was letting his partner and Clint Barton meet.

\- - - - - - - - - - 

Following him, Clint just caught Fury ducking into a small conference room down the hall. Clint peered through the narrow window in the door, seeing Richard staring wide-eyed at his father, not even noticing Fury's entrance. Clint tried and failed to get Richard's attention to at least give him an encouraging smile.

So, he dropped down on the nearby bench and waited for the fall-out, whatever its form.

He was on his fifth time through counting the floor tiles up and down the hall, when someone soundlessly sat next to him. "Hey, Nat," he greeted.

"Nurses kicked you out for attempted canoodling?"

"No. And who says 'canoodling?' Except Rogers, maybe."

She nudge his shoulder with hers. "So, what's going on?"

"Stark accidentally met Richard."

Her eyebrows rose. "I see."

Clint raised his chin at the door across the hall. "Fury and their dad are with Richard now. Probably throwing tons of nondisclosure agreements at him, or just up and erasing his memory."

Natasha stood and took a look for herself. Her eyebrows lifted just a tenth of a centimeter higher. 

"What? Are they torturing him?"

She shook her head. "No, it's just- I've seen the photos you took, but seeing Coulson's twin in person... It's weird."

"We recently fended-off an alien invasion. I was head-fucked by a Norse god. You were chased by the Hulk. Not to mention that awful week we were led to believe Phil was fucking _dead_. And _this_ is what you call weird?"

"Those other events were horrible and nightmarish. Yes, this is weird."

"Point."

Natasha took a step back. "They're coming out. Should I go?"

"You don't have to. Like Stark said, cats have already been let loose."

Natasha quirked an eyebrow, speaking her opinion on Stark's turn of phrase as she took her place again at Clint's side. The door opened and Fury stepped out. Clint's concern of inevitable flashy-thinging grew. 

"So, what story did you give him?" Clint asked.

"The truth."

Clint's snort of disbelief could not have been helped, but he did attempt to cover it- poorly- with a cough.

Fury glared. "Yes, the truth. Can't keep the Avengers out of the public eye. They're out there. You're out there Agent Barton. Now, that branch of the Campbell clan is hardly the sharpest, but sooner than later, they were going to connect some dots." His eye softened slightly. "Now, I'm going to brief Coulson. I think he will actually be relieved to stop the smoke and mirrors with his own blood."

Fury's steps were silent as he walked down the hall towards Phil's room. 

"All that trouble to keep secrets from loved ones. Makes me glad you're my only family."

"You keep secrets from me."

"At least you know I do."

The door opened again, Kay maneuvering a dazed and pale Richard with a hand on his shoulder. He put Richard down next to Clint and said, "Just give him another minute to process. I'm going to see how Phil is." He managed a sympathetic look for his non-responsive son, leaving Clint to deal with Richard on his own.

Natasha leaned forward to watch Richard from Clint's other side. After a minute of assessment she said, "Hello, I'm Natasha." 

Richard started. He turned to her and blinked. "I suppose you're another one of Phil's super secret agent hero friends."

"That's right."

Richard groaned, heels of his hands going to his eyes as he rocked back hard enough to thump his head against the wall behind him. "I can't believe this! This changes everything!"

Clint shifted in his seat, contemplating whether a pat on the shoulder or the knee was more appropriate in this situation. "Hey, uh, y'know. Phil and your dad only wanted to keep you safe. I'm sorry we had to lie, but-"

"All this time!

"It doesn't change how much they do care about you and-"

"He's actually cooler than me!"

"I- What?"

A choked-off laugh came from Clint's right. He turned and glared at Nat. "I think I should leave you for this boy-talk," she said, voice low and smirking. She slipped away without Richard even noticing. Coward.

"You know," Richard continued, elbows on his knee, "he was the nerdy one who whimped-out of the army to be an _accountant_ and live with his Captain America comics. I'm the one with appropriately manly job, a hot girlfriend, and just a totally fun guy to be around. _I_ was the cool one. Now he is. Like super cool. With super heroes."

"You're still...cool." Clint grimaced.

"I hate him. Hate my dad. Hate you."

"Hey!"

Richard shot him a dirty look. "Christine claimed she kept seeing you in the news footage. But she was drunk, so we ignored her. Now she's drunk and _right_ , which is the worst."

For that, Clint was truly sorry. Knowing Richard's ex-wife she'll be crowing about it for... Well, years probably. She wasn't one to let anything go. And in that moment Clint realized the snowball that was starting to form, what it was exactly that Phil had tried to avoid for so long in his life. There were just some people who shouldn't be allowed to meet. And that was Christine Campbell and... Well, anyone really. Maybe her paranoia over aliens in New York would continue to keep her away. It'd be pretty awesome for Ritchie, though. How many kids in his snooty school can say they have family who literally saved the planet? 

Next to him, Richard was still looking distressed. "Hey, you need some time to get through some of this," Clint told him. "Why don't I take you back to your hotel?"

"What Philistine is talking about a janky hotel?" Stark sauntered around the corner, Pepper still at his side.

Richard sat up straighter in the presence of celebrity.

"Coulson's- or is it Campbell- family is my family, so mi casa es su casa, right?"

"Stark, I don't really think Coulson-"

"Pfft, what does he have to say about it? Richard here is a grown man, doesn't need his brother's permission. And just because you're doing the bump and grind with Agent- which, by the way, I haven't decided yet if that's gross or hot- doesn't exactly give you rights, either."

Pepper rolled her eyes in exasperation and smiled apologetically at the same time. That woman was a marvel. "You have had a bit of a shock today, Mr. Campbell. Mr. Stark will perfectly understand if you need some time to yourself or just with family and friends."

"Ooor, you can hang out at my tower. The top floors are still getting repaired, but we have some suites suitable for living."

Richard's jaw drop. "Oh. Wow! That'd be amazing! Thank you, uhm, sir."

Stark's grin broadened dangerously. "Oh, I'm going to need you to repeat that. Some place where I can record it. Better yet," Tony grasped Richard's arm and pulled him to his feet, "we'll get you a suit and I'll video you saying it."

"I don't understand." Richard's giddiness deflated a little into weirded-out. Not an uncommon reaction to actually getting to know Tony Stark. 

"Tony," Peppered warned.

"Come on, it's not like I'd release it to SHIELD Intranet or anything."

"Mr. Campbell," Pepper said, "You don't have to do anything Mr. Stark tells you to. In fact, for the sake of your brother's recovery, I suggest you do not."

"Do you want me to come with you, Richard?" Clint asked. 

Richard's hesitation was starting to disappear, or at least he was trying to pretend it was. "I don't need a babysitter, I'm just going to be hanging with my new friend, Tony Stark."

Tony flung an arm around Richard's shoulder. "Exactly! Ladyhawke probably needs some more time with his Rutger Hauer anyway." He turned Richard with him and walked him down the hall.

Pepper stayed with Clint a moment. "You're perfectly welcome to come and check-in on them." She handed him her card. "I'll make sure JARVIS lets you in." Her heels clicked rapidly as she caught-up with Tony and Richard as they turned the corner, out of sight.

Clint sighed. Time to break the bad news to Phil. He expected to find Fury or Phil's dad at his bedside yet, but Phil was alone, his eyelids drooping.

"They gave me more drugs," Phil informed him. "I hate that. Everything's....elsewhere."

"You won't get better if you're in pain, or getting agitated."

The noise Phil made was an attempt at a derisive snort, but didn't quite make it.

Clint smiled. "I know, right? Isn't this conversation supposed to be the other way around?"

Phil's smile was clearly an effort. He beckoned Clint over with a subtle twitch of his fingers. Clint took the hand not attached to tubes in his own. "How's Richard doing?" Phil asked.

"He's upset he's no longer cooler than you."

Phil's laugh was a weak cough. "At least he's keeping his priorities straight."

Clint shuffled his feet and rubbed his thumb over the back of Phil's hand. "Yeah, well... Since you're doped-up, now is probably the best time to tell you this: Stark kinda, sorta, not-really kidnapped your brother and keeping him in the tower."

"You make him sound like a fairytale princess. But you're right, I should be upset about that. I'm trying to be upset, since I'm sure in exchange for his hospitality, Stark will grill him for embarrassing childhood stories about me."

"Probably, but Potts will be there. She'll be in your corner, keeping your honor intact as much as possible. Oh, and since it looks like you're just about to slip into unconsciousness, I'll tell you now Old Christine recognized me in news footage already anyway."

"Fabulous," Phil muttered, eyes falling completely closed at last.

Clint gave his limp hand another squeeze. "Get your rest while you can. I have a feeling the circus is coming to town."

**Author's Note:**

> There is another chapter for this one to come. I knew I would get outcry if I did not have more Tony and Richard together. 
> 
> This of course is just the segue into all the Campbell's descending on to Avengers Tower for the next story in the series.


End file.
